its another one to come

i believe that things ive never get to achieve in life, i will get it in heaven.
things that saddened me are just a few, however, the kind of feelings goes deep into the heart.
i never ask for a complicated health. i never do anything that complicates my health. that is just what i am destined for perhaps.
i cried when i see people enjoying life life, went for vacation. go for adventurous holidays,visited places far away which indeed need long travelling. i never get to do those things right now. my lungs are not fit for traveling, my chest is not fit for highly adventorous plans. i get bruises and bleeds from anyone, if i tripped and
fall a little bit, and even if i had mensus, i bleed so much, i look pale as a ghost.
i never wanted to be on warfarin. i never believe my vq scan results, nor any or the blood results. i never believe that my joints pain is something systemic. i believe nothing,, it just this one thing i believe is that i need to be on warfarin to get going,
im tired, easily exhausted when i get sick . every breath like worth 50 bucks, every steps feels like a 100 bucks.medications are like rice, which need to be taken everyday. seretide is like my vehicle to keep me going.
i never ask to be sick nor wanted to take zillions of meds. i just want to do things that can support myself to keep on living.
the fact that im expressing this poignant feelings is because ... because i will never know what will happen next.
i just want to go some place where i can rest, where i don;t have to take meds, i do not have to perspire painstakingly, where i can see the beautiful wonders where i never get to see in life.
maybe because i never get to feel it in this world, i believe i will get it in another one to come


i knew one day , if my live longer, and healthier, i will read this post back,and that time i will be smiling knowing that i was() a very tough and strong girl. wish i will read this back in years to come

dr suraya

a few things that dr suraya check listed on me before she admit me to her ward

1. do u take ur seretide everyday?
2. do u have loratidine?
3. do u spray ur nose everyday?
4 do u take your warfarin daily?
5. how many times u take ur ventolin
-i said one time per week
and of course its a lie. its more that 3 times per week
and with even one time per week, she wondered how do i still have attack despite having complete set of meds..
however,there is one thing that she didn;t ask
-do u take ur ppi??

that poor old lady

she is just an old lady. no she is not.
she came all the way from raub, well alone, with ambulance of corse, with the h. raub attendent.
never thought it was so advance, that poor old he orang asli lady , living in the inner raub.
she told me , she did not know that her left breast swells. she didnt even know how long its been there, or how long it started. she just do not know that.

she had follow up for hypertension in nearest kk, when the mo that works there notice the breast swelling

if it wasn't because of the mo noticing it, she might have died before being diagnosed
well, im glad i was able to help. did a tru cut diopsy myself, sent for urgent hpe. give her 1 week follow up

fortunately, the attendent says that the kk was able to arrange transportation for her


im glad i could help. i knew it was an advance disease, im not sure whether she understood what i'd say. i hope she did. there is a lot i can do for being a doctor. it might seemed small, but it means a lot to the pt.
i hope she will do just fine. will pray for her too.

been a bad bleeder

well, my inr is 3.17 i think. about 2 days ago. big bruises are almost everywhere, yet i still going to the ot, and assist surgery.
i hope it will go off soon, and i hope to be able to take of myself well

splashing melena in icu

i had 3 patients today in icu. one was a huge man with severe pancreatitis, whom we noticed having melena this morning.

i was eager to tell ily, then we came, i had to do a prostoscopy. lucky me, i did have worn my apron.

sad to say, when i did PR before proctoscop, pt was on supine position, not much of the area expose,

when everyone was moving him around, repositioning the big guy, i just had to do what was asked

put in the prostoscop, as i lunged it in, a huge gush of fresh melena spread into the air, spills some over my tudung, and stains the whole sheets.

shuts, it smells so melenicly melena...... i was so dumbfounded, everyone walked away from the smell, i became the joke of the day in icu.

that is the worst day in the many days ive worked in icu

courage is not the absence of fear

dying is really scary. i scares me when i look into it. when one of my professor died, it hit me hard, thinking that death is so near, the earth is freakin' tired with its constituents

when i looked into it doesn't matter how long u got sick before you died. as in her, she died after a year of ill health.death it something we don't plan . it comes just like nobody is expecting. he whether you've been sick for a year, a two, or so long that you cannot remember when was the last time you've been healthy. the fact is, sick people sometimes thinks too much of dying , that they forget about living.

i don't really remember the last time in was in a very good health. i cannot even recall. health is something i should appreciate, although its not perfect, but i still have myself. i can live, sleep, work, pray, read, despite having to take a bunch of meds. i dont mind, as long as i am alive , i'll make myself readied for everything in the future

you might have lost your dreams when you get sick , especially chronic illnesses , but it doesn't make u a loser. when u appreciate your small achievements, it is sometimes enough.

enough it is .

well, i feel much better now

seeing a psychiatrist and taking antidepressant doesnt make u a loser

it makes u better, as u seek help, before doing something stupid\

and of course.its been almost 4 months ive been taking sertraline and lamotrigine

sometimes , i feel so robotic that im afraid i will lose my creativity and my talents

but it actually makes your thoughts shorten, u cannot think much, and most of the time, uve been a little bit forgetful and most of the time, less sensitive to criticism

i like the psychiatricts here. they will see u very frequently. appoinments are like every 1 month. and the longest it will be is 6 weeks

they are the best at changing the way you think

redirect your thought to sonething better. they find your accomplishment, and praise u for it

they are loving, care so much. teach you how to think better

get the better of you. sometimes they read your thought and help you to come

i wouldnt say i am a looser for seeing this people. instead , i am proud to say that i am so much healthier now. ive been in the surgery posting for about 3 months now. and i only took mc for one day, compare to in medical which is 23 days.

when your mind is healthy, it like automatically your physical well being gets healthier.

of course, working is tiring. so stop before u get tired. if anybody scolded you for that, just ignore it, because u know u have tried your best

i am getting better. healthier. happier. and this is always something to live for

13th november

She walked towards the sun, opening the curtains wishing the sun would rejuvenate its occupant. The day went on, as usual what it is like to be in hospital. Was tucked in a blue uniform, i've realized she has the most comforting faces among them all. Was taking care of the cubicle where my bed was. I was lying, yes full of fatigue for fighting a tough and rough yesterday looking at the edge of the bed, where my name and the number nine was. The front counter was right in my bed's view, as i could see the lady in white coat, on gloves and a blue blood taking trolley. Yes, she was the houseman. I change my sight, finding the nice lady in blue. She approached me, came with a soft touch, caressing my overzealous painful chest, pushing the cardiac table towards me where the food tray was. She mixed the tea , handing over the fork to me asking whether i can feed myself.
I reckoned myself, being the sick one and yet, i was not ready to get so sick again. It was three and half months to final professional exam, but stupidly here i was on bed in the ward on oxygen. My chest was preposterous. I could only say it hurts, but to describe it ,was almost impossible. She came again, as i finished my breakfast, brought me to change. The bathroom was like 10 steps away , but when you're sick, it seemed so far that i need her to help me walk. I was oblivious on what was wrong, i felt so dumb and hopeless.

vq

vq : ventilation perfusion scan
i was supposed to come to hukm today for my 3rd vq scan: but it was cancelled as there is an emergency case this morning..
vq scan: maybe looks simple: but actually it is very tiring.
i have had it two times in 2010.
i took about 2 hours.
you need to be fit, not coughing, not having any fever or chest infection and most importantly you have to be able to lie supine without moving for 2 hours.
lying supine was the most difficult, as i usually sleep with 2 to 3 or 4 pillows.
First, you have to inhale few dose of Tc gas. its a radionuclear gas(tectenium) . it taste bad , its awful and definitely taste worse than asthma inhalers
than, the staff with measure the radioactive dose in you, than: you have to continue to inhale until it reach the wanted dose.
than, youll be put into a special CT scan machine(looks like CT, but a little bit more compilcated)
now , the scan measured the ventilation part of your lungs..usally for my lungs, i took more than 1 hour: i have quite a bad lung ventilation due to prolonged poorly treated bronchial asthma

Then, when the ventilation part finished, here comes the perfusion part, which took another 1 hour.. contrast injected via an antecubital cannulae(which they will put on you)
The contrast was not as painful as the contrast use for CT Pulmonary angiogram( i had that way back in november 2010) after another hour.. and youll done

Looks simple, but actually its very tiring. and usually the next day, youll start to have some fever and cough, and if ur unlucky porbably some exercise intolerance usually for a week or two.

i celebrate the small things

when i get sick ant and my chest get so hair wired,
i do celebrate the very small things that helps me to hang on.
being able to sleep at night and not waking up breathless,
i even celebrate get to lie down even prop up on man pillows, as long as i dont have to sit to sleep
i celebrate the month(s) that i spared not using antibiotics for chest infections
i celebrate being able to stay comfortable and not having chest pain either on exertion or at rest
i celebrate not to have to use nebulized combivent, and just inhalers.
i celebrate not to get admitted to hospital for exacerbation, pneumonia, or pe.
i celebrate not to have to take oral prednisolone and not to have to rush to ed for oxygen ,nebs and hydrocot.
right now my asthma only good with seretide 50/500. and if dose cut down , ill usually end up in hospital
if i miss a dose, or delayed using it: i became so breathless and tired.